Who is this? Is it Brian?
Guys, you have to promise not to make fun of me, OK?
No, really. Here goes:
Who is this guy? That guy there with the purple tie.
Like, I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to know who he is. He was in the news, right? Not recently, but like, not not recently, right?
Shit, I feel like such an idiot. This is gonna come to me. Give me a chance.
Is his name Brian?
He looks like a Brian, right? Maybe Bryan with a ‘y.’ He seems a little soft to be a Y-Bryan, though.
Do I know him from work? Like maybe I pass him in the lobby in the morning?
Brian from sales? Brian from legal affairs? Brian from human resources? Nah, Brian isn’t in HR. Maybe Brian got called to HR once, but it was all a misunderstanding, honest. That’s what he looks like, at least.
Or maybe that’s not it.
Was he, like, a former child star? Is that the kid from “Mr. Belvedere?” Or maybe “Alf?” How many kids were there on “Alf?”
Maybe he’s the kid from one of the John Hughes movies. Did he steal someone’s underpants in a John Hughes movie? Was his name Brad? Did Brad steal someone’s underpants?
Well, not Brad, but the character played by this actor who might be named Brad. Sometimes it’s hard to separate art from the artist, especially with Brad.
Or Brian.
Guys, stop laughing at me. It’s driving me nuts. I’m supposed to know this guy but when I look at him I just see this Brian-y aura. Was he a congressman? Did he get in trouble for having a mistress? He seems too young for that. Plus, that’s more of a ’90s Brad scandal than a 2021 Brian scandal.
Wait! He’s a tech billionaire, right? He founded a company a long time ago and it was like big in Linux or genomes or something and then he sold it and now he uses his money for … nope. I lost it.
Space exploration? Renewable fuel? Cryogenic immortality?
Did he sue Gawker? Is Brian the guy who sued Gawker? But why would Brian sue Gawker?
He doesn’t look like the kind of guy who does Gawker-worthy stuff. He looks like that guy’s college roommate who gets called for that Gawker story and says, “Yeah, I was his roommate and he was into some shit, man.”
Ugh, this is going to kill me.
Maybe he’s a Chris.
Chris… what? Or is Christopher his last name? Is he Brian Christopher? Brian Christopher, children’s author. Brian Christopher, ambassador to France. Brian Christopher, Channel 5 Action Sports.
Or Brad Christopher. Christopher Bradley? Brian Bradley? Or Y-Bryan Bradley?
Fuck, we’re not getting any closer.
Oliver? Is it Oliver?